it was raining this morning
i find myself kept on snoozing the alarm which rang at 5.45 am
while 'tidur2 ayam', i contemplate whether i should wake up early to express milk
or just sleep in till 6.30 and just forget about pumping
and I decided on the later
so as I woke up, it was already 6.40
I jumped off bed, thinking "shait! my boobs are full and we're heck late!"
quickly I had my shower,
woke dear hubs up
and kept on reminding him to have a quick shower
as I prep up myself, Nurin's stuff, and my breastpump
by 7.05am, we're out
it was drizzling
dear Nurin was not in her best morning mood unlike other days
she was restless
luckily hubs carpooled with us
so I could calm her while hubs drove
and that was when I realized,
I did not packed Nurin's ebm stock!!!
all I brought was the 3oz that I thawed
and filled in her TT bottle
the rest, still in the freaking fridge!
to survive the whole day with just 3oz of milk???
heck no!
reached mak's place around 7.15
unload her stuff and pass her to mak
and told mak that I forget to bring along her milk supply
so she should just use the FM that we already prepared for her incase of lack of supply
with that, I drove off the driveway
I felt guilty all the way
as I drove, I saw the highway is jam as usual
and I'm thinking, "What the heck! I'll be late anyway!"
make a u-turn, went back to our place
quickly parked the car, get to the lift, enter our home,
grab the 4 bottles of ebm in the fridge
safely keep it in JJ Weekenders cooler tote
locked the door and grill, went down the lift
and off I went back to the car
all in 5 minutes
drove back to mak's
she was surprised to see me
transfered all the ebm into her fridge
give a huge kiss to the little one, and whisper 'sorry' to her ear,
and off to workplace
it was 8.28 when I scanned in
NVM, I can always replace the lost hour to OT on any of the days
but I should never thought of taking the easy way out,
by giving my dear daughter FM
when I still have enough supply for her
(read: It would be a different story if I dont have any stock of ebm)
Yeap. I felt guilty for even having those thoughts
I even slapped myself (twice) as a punishment (yeap. to that extend.)
but I'm glad and relieved that reality hits me at the right time
to exclusively bf ur child is definitely not easy
only mommies who experienced it would understand
I, myself, still struggle to exclusively bf my child
I'm still suffering with tormenting sharp pain on the nipple after a few feed session
but the priceless bonding moment that I get each time she needs me (read: milk),
defeats all excruciating pain that I have to endure
knowing that only me, her mother, can experience that moment, is definitely beyond words
unfortunately, while to others,
"why go through so much hassle and pain? there's always the FM!"
again, only we, understand.
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