Monday, December 28, 2009
i dh janji nak tlg collect kn favors dia kt geylang
kengkonon nk masuk khamis aritu
tp tak jadi sbb cam too spontaneous
tak prepare pape
duit pon lom tukar lagi
route pon baru nk checkout
then plan nk gi sunday
lupe lak yg long weekend
sure jam gile on sunday
so plan nk gi ari ni
baru jek check traffic kt causeway tu
quite congested lagiiii
hopefully by petang ni, ok laaaa
tak sampai hati nk delay lagiiii
kang ade yang tak kawin kangggg
babe, aku try masuk ptg ni k
ko doa2 laa traffic clear
aku lak yg excited nk tgk rupe favors tu
cam aku lak yg nak kawin
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
since last week mama dh cakap
it wasn't a normal sambutan awal muharram for us
it was extra special
coz mak teh ade sedekah utk wat tahlil arwah sekali
since kebetulan malam jumaat kan
so semalam, yang gi masjid
is ayah, mama, mak teh, ayah andak, ucu and me
kirenye adek beradek mama sume ade except for the spore guys
gi masjid around 6.30
bersungguh weols tolak mama
fyi, setelah bertahun, ni kali pertama mama masuk masjid
mmg dah lama dia tak gi masjid
sebab sakit kan
masa baca doa akhir tahun,
Astaghfirullah.....sayunya hati ni
memang rase insaf gile
rase diri ini hina gile di sisi PenciptaKu
lagi2 masa doa tu dia ada baca the translation
I was sobbing macam ape je
sedangkan Imam pon nangis tersedu2 sambil baca doa
apetah lagi weols yang makmum ni kannn
almost everyone ended up dwelling in tears
after solat Maghrib, baca doa awal tahun pula
masa mengaminkan doa tu, I rase dekat sangat dgn Diaand I promise myself, to be se-dekat dgn Dia as possible
me and makteh nangis semahu2nye lepas baca doa tuu
I mengaku, I wasn't a good Muslim all this while
sempena Buku Baru ni, I akan cuba utk berhijrah
semoga Dia merahmati setiap langkah perjalanan hidupku
habis je baca doa akhir tahun
Ayah took over the majlis for the tahlil arwah
ayah's intro.....sangat sayu
I don't know, everytime ayah sebut nama mama kat majlis, terus sebak semacam
ayah mention, ini hajat mama and keluarga
utk ahli keluarga yang telah pergi
khususnya Mohd Syakirin
after tahlil, solat Isya'
cik an yang masak kan
menu, mama yang set
nasi putih, lemak pisang, sambal tumis udang and petai, ikan tenggiri kicap, ayam goreng
sedappppp, lagi2 makan dlm dulang kannn
my mom's family and makan dlm dulang adelah sgt sinonim
we just love makan dalam dulang masa kenduri
balik tu, uncle ijam and family ade
makin galak laaa weols ke seri alam
semata2 nk tgk umar
marsha and adam lak dok tgk upin ipin
dh bape puloh kali tgk
sampai dah hafal dialog pon
citer tu takdela kelakar mana
tapi diorang nye gelak....macam lawak gile jeeee
by 11 baru diorang gerak balik
then borak2 lak ngan akak
sebab tido bilik diaaa
ntah kol bape laaaa tido
by 2, I am still awake ok
citer pasal marriage life
her friends' experiences
serious. pas dgr cerite dia, I jadi sangat takut nk kahwin
malas nk citer kt sini
tapi kesimpulannye, dia buat I fikir
we should marry the guy who adore and loves us
tak kesah laa i cinta dia ke tak
yang penting, I am his life, his world, his everything
kalao tak, memang takuuuuuuuuuuutttttttttt je
and here I am
bekerja on Awal Muharram
Friday, December 11, 2009
takde ape pon
mesti korang gelak baca ni
nk gak share kat sini
so that in the future, i can read back
and know that I ni poyo gak
gile. gelak sesorg.
ape yg di excited kan????
nk date esok!
gile. gelak sesorg lagi.
i told you!
it is so lame!
nk date pon kecoh eh fana????
selalunye every week kitorg akan jumpe
yeap. walaupon sesama dok jb,
we didn't see each other every single freaking day
hanye once or twice each week
unfortunately, hujung tahun is the craziest season for him
his workloads adelah sgt CRAZY
kekadang mmg cam takde mase utk rest
balik pon madah lambat jeeee
mase utk rest pon takde,
apetah lagi utk nk spend time utk his precious love ni kan
harus laa up kan diri sendiri kan
but still, he did manage to squeeze in a couple of minutes
of phone calls or texts for me
in between of his tight schedule
and i am beyond happy for that
of course la kekadang tu cam hangin gak
sbb dia dh takde masa utk i kn
n yes, i mmg faham
tapi kdg2 tu, TER-tak paham
and time tu laaaa i TERuji kesabaran dia
and i am so sorrrrrry for all that
tak berniat. tapi TERRRRRR
last weekend pon kitorang tak jumpe
he's busy and adelaaa something came up
so kirenye dh about 2 weeks i tak jumpe dia
tapi, yes fana....sile faham!
kalao dia tak kerja,
camne dia nak
akan ku lepaskan rindu dendam ini
eh eh..poyonye aku nih!
esok pagi dia still kene masuk keje!
ade meeting katanye
and he should be free by noon
please be sayang!!!!!
dh malu dah ni
nk dok one corner and tutop muke
Friday, December 4, 2009
no matter how hard i tried to suck it in
but once i see his face, i cried
mellow gile aku nih
no, its not him who made me cried
its someone else
someone who looked down on my capability and integrity
if you dont know how to solve a problem
how dare you blame anyone else?
and why the heck are u pointing fingers at others (read:me)????
as if i am at fault, whilst actually you are the one who are being ignorant all this while
it is just difficult of you to admit your fault right
to u, it is just right to say those nasty words huh?
bile dah marah, mcm2 ayat keluar
kenapa org macam tu yea?
can't you all spare some feelings for others?
cube la pikir dulu
n tak payah la ungkit bende yg takde kaitan secara tibe2
just to cover malu
maybe you are not cursing me
you are kononnye cursing the system
the system that me and my colleagues developed
that f*cking system is like our baby, damn it!
we are the mother of it
cursing it, is the same as cursing us!
and when i tried to settle your mess
awat ko sibuk2 nk kepoh amik tau
nk tunjuk yg ko tu concern sgt laaa
konon nye dgn cara tu ko nak apologize laa?
lucky me, my boss is very understanding
he understands what i felt
he even tries to make jokes to cheer me up
byk sgt cacian yg i dapat lately
am i strong enough to suck it all up???
cry. itu je la yg i mampu buat
dgn harapan all those words
mengalir pergi bersame air mata tu
mmg tak laa kan.
sabar je laaa
We always say the things we mean. Especially when we don't think first and when our mood catches up on us. Anger, frustration, stress, fatigue. Emotions rise up and we say what we feel rather than what others wanna hear. That's when we know when others are saying the truth. When they can't control it.
Then there are moments when it happens, you can't help but doubt the choices you made in the first place and whether it's all worth it. In those times, all you need is just assurance or at least a bit of light that every effort and sacrifice is actually worth it. Or else, all you can think of is giving up and giving up is not an option...
p/s: but as someone says...when all efforts are ignored and sacrifices are not appreciated, the last option, could be the best option.ever.
p/p/s: just a thought to ponder.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I would like to share it with you guys
A story worth sharing
4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.
There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.
With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all i heard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bedsheet and blanket!
Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation:
"Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you 'cos I was playing with my toys...I am sorry Dad..."
At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but I didn't want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed my son's room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.
A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.
However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'. But after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized by his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy.....
Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around. 'cos he makes me proud too!
Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the christmas spirit is in every passer-by... Christmas carols and frantic shoppers.... but alas, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day's work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee. Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no additional reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year.
His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy.
My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: " But why did u post so many letters, at one time?" My son's reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once..."
After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say....
I told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldnt help opening the letter before they turn to ash.
And one of the letters broke my heart....
I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldnt help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why havent you appear?
After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. 'cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife....
For the females with children:
Don't do so much overtime. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some kind of problems within the company, and it is not your sole problem. Feedback to your boss. Endless overtime may not necessary be the answer to the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and take care of your little precious.
For the married men:
Drink less, smoke less, cos nothing can replace your good health, not even business nor clients.
Try thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients are totally dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this society, no one is indispensable.
Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little precious and your loved ones.
For those singles out there:
Beauty lies in loving yourself first.
With confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in other things around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don't let your health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothing matters more than your well being.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
i got 2 second chances
masih ade strangers yg baik di dunia ni
thank you both
these 2 cases,
makes me realise
betol2 bukak kan mata i
and kalau boleh, i dh xnk waste any of my time
on bende yg tak patut
yg remeh temeh
i should make use of what i have
dont take things for granted
tak semua orang dpt second chance
ade lagi satu
yg ni ntah bape kali chance dh
tp mmg i admit, i salah
i want to work things out
Probably because of too stressed out
or too tired
or maybe because I didnt eat?
terima kasih yea
saya tau saya ckp jangan
tapi awak tau lebih baik kan
thank you for today
mcm la awak baca ni kann
ntah la eh
sometimes, i rasa mcm nk give up
tp, later on, bile i pikir balik,
yes, maybe mmg ade seorang yg tak perlukan i
yang rasa i ni tak penting bagi dia
tapi masih ade yg lain yg perlukan i
masih ade yang rase i ni penting
so utk yg masih bertahan
walaupon ade org kata takde sape yg boleh tahan dgn i
and diorang bertahan pon sbb terpakse ke ape
well, i'll still try my best
to make my self live
at least for today
tapi takdir Allah, sapa yg tau kan?
biar la ape doktor nk ckp,
i lagi percaya pada takdir
kalau esok, esok laaa...
redha. berserah je la.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I might be somewhere
somewhere which i don't know yet at the moment
i felt empty
i need to find my self back
seems like my soul has left me
and i need to get it back
how? i dont know
i just need to go
may i'll find what im searching for
dont ask what im finding
i dont know
i did mention i felt empty right?
and yeah...im helpless too
pray for me yeah
panjang umur, jumpe lagi!
i c u when i c u in i c u.
p/s: I Love You.
and im in office
blogging my brains out
i guess this is the only way i can let out my feelings
as i type, i am sobbing
i could barely see the letters on the keyboard
i dont know what this entry gonna be all about
but i just want to type
it felt right
crying and typing
it seems to be the best thing to do now
i am being ridiculous
for crying mcm ape
but i dont know
i just feel soo.....sad
i keep on wondering
if im gone
will he be fine?
will he be happy with the one he choose?
will he cry?
will he still loves chocolate as much?
will he..................miss me?
kadang2 kite cume akan appreciate org tu bile dia dh takde
will he realize how much i meant to him?
it can happen anytime
but will anyone realize my non-existance?
Couldnt get much sleep last night
been forcing myself not to gobble any pills
and let the nature takes its course
and of course
it's taking a toll on me
I'm practically a walking zombie today
mane taknye, 4.20 am, I am still wide awake
sampai abes bateri PSP i keje kan
mesti many of you just couldn't get it
well, I didn't expect you to
its my issue
and I'm not FORCING you to cure it
but a lil unserstanding might help in a long run
adding more problems, is a BIG No No
there are a couple of things floating in my mine last night
though I'm getting adrenaline rush on the Need for Speed,
I can't help but to think of...
Who's next????(hanya org tertentu je yg faham ni)
mmg ini takdir Allah
tapi we humans kan, bile dh berkali bende tu berlaku,
ade laa pikir gak kan
pemergian Yin couple of days ago
I masih belom dapat terima kenyataan sepenuhnye
yes, I redha....but
somehow, I masih harap ni semua mimpi
and bile I bangun, dia tengah merengek ajak I shopping
which of course, is impossible
I am in no position to mengeluh or whatsoever
byk sgt masalah sekarang ni
nk gi jogging pon dh takde mood
tambah lagi ngan the-time-of-the-month
sakit gilerrrrr...sampai takleh dok tegak
muntah...tok sah ckp laaaa
bape kali dahhhhh
come to think of it,
am I next???
if it is, will anyone miss me?
p/s: janji is a janji. tapi mcm janji tu takde makna ape ape pon...smpai skrg takde bunyi pape pon...senyap je RedHOT....