Numb

I wish I can be numb

numb to all negative reactions

numb from getting hurt

numb to any rejections

numb from being misjudged

numb to all the pain in the world

numb from getting heart-broken

numb to all hurtful words

at the end of the day

I'm just human

with feelings

and tears that came along

I may appeared numb to you

but deep in me,

I'm falling apart

into pieces

as I forced myself to be numb,

those pieces became even more little pieces

I'm afraid,

comes one day

there are no little pieces left to be shredded

and when it happens,

there' nothing left,

except to bid, Goodbye.

p/s: calar di lengan, orang tahu, calar di hati....simpan sendiri.

Brain Dead

Can’t work
Can’t think straight
Can’t think of anything else

Sad
So sad
Extremely sad

Cried
Cried and cried
In the office
And pretended I’m having flu

It’s a very ‘remeh’ issue
But when I’ve been having high hopes and dreams on it
And all this has been planned way ahead for the last 7 months
Even though the execution plan might not be as ‘perfect’ as what I’ve imagined
I could settle for this
It might not be anything fancy or over the top, but I’m thankful enough as this is what we could afford

But now, it has all vanished
And I couldn’t see any second chances for this in the future
But he didn’t understand
He never did, and never will
He must think that I’m selfish and not being considerate

I know I won’t win this battle
I know I can’t put my foot down on this
I’ve rest my case but the world definitely doesn’t revolves around me solely
Therefore, I shall accept things as it is

But I can’t help for being sorry for myself
This is not what I’ve wanted
Not what I’ve seen myself
Not what I’ve imagined
But I’ll embrace it.



p/s: still hoping for a miracle.

3rd Tri, Clogged Ear, Fun Teluk Ramunia, Bruised JMU

I’m officially in the final Trimester now!
yippppeeeeeeeee

Can’t believe how fast time flies now
Seems like it was yesterday I did the UPT
And now, looking at the ‘cute’ bulge on my tummy, I’m blessed

I didn’t know that 3rd trimester starts at 27 weeks
I thought it should be in 28/30 weeks
Till I read the weekly newsletter I got from BaiBoo in my mail
That goes “Well, the third and final trimester of your pregnancy has started!”
My oh my!!!!

Well
I’ve nothing much to update on my pregnancy so far
Just am anxiously waiting for the fasting month next week
I get very thirsty nowadays (it’s the weather rite?)
I hope it’d get better next month, or else, I’ll try my very best to endure it

One thing though, my right ear is very much clogged for at least one week now
It has been on and off ever since then
But today, it got worst!
Usually, if I shake it up a bit, it will unclog
But this morning, after several attempts, no improvement

So now, I’m waiting for the in-house doctor to come and check
There’s no pain, apart of slight headache
But it got so irritating because I’m totally depending on my left ear to hear
So every time my colleagues talks to me, they have to make sure they are on my left
Or else, I’ll be like “I beg you pardon” over and over again
Malu!!!!

Btw, just got back from a mini-family gathering of MIL’s side at Teluk Ramunia
It’s a 2d1n thing
It was really fun!
I really enjoyed myself over the weekend there

The beach was real nice, soft sands! Love love love!
Of course the water is not as blue as those in redang or tioman
But it’s clear enough that you could see your own feet

Had a fair share of dipping myself in the sea
And of course swam my heart out in the pool
Aha! We have a pool in our apartment
But somehow, I couldn’t find the time to get down there
Plus I felt quite embarrassed to wear a the swimwear while prego in public (1001 alasan)

But in Teluk Ramunia, I went all out
Cause the pool has no proper dress-code! Yeay!!!!
So I just put on my tights and an oversized shirt and there I off I went!

The little one loves it too!
It squirms and kicks when I did the breaststroke
But face a bit of difficulty on the backstroke though
Perhaps due to ‘overweight’ on my belly part…teehee
Felt really good and revitalize after each session
Love!

Oh yeah
Another important note,
Our dear JMU got ‘bruised’ again yesterday at our apartment
Got knocked and scratched by a man in a wira who reversed from the parking lot
Without noticing hubs driving on the road
And scratched the front passenger’s door right to the back door
I wasn’t around when it happened though
Cos it happened when hubs got back from his weekly jog session
While I’m at home, erm…..napping… -____-

Hubs weren’t in a good mood since then
He got better when he’s around his family
But when it’s just me and him,
He turned into someone who’s totally devastated and refused to talk
I totally understand how emotionally wrecked he is
as it’s the second hit in 2 weeks time!

But the way he reacts, it seems like I’m the one who’s at fault
I’m trying my best to be as rational as I could in this kind of situation
I do hope things could get better

Above all that
I’m thankful that he’s ok
What if he got into a (much) worst accident?
What if he gets hurt?
I couldn’t imagine if that ever to happen
Alhamdulillah, Allah still protects us
He just gave us some gentle/friendly “reminder”, to be more careful, and of course, thankful too

blunt

my heart just sank the moment i heard those words
no words to describe how disappointed i am
if that person really means it, i shall swallow it with all the pride that i have left
and if  that person doesn't, it still will left a mark in my heart
a terrible mark
and it'll remain there, as long as i could breath

the worst part, she had to witnessed it all
she's the last person on earth that I'd tell
I love her, but life does not revolves around me solely
letting her see all the tears that I had,
made me shed more tears
I'm sorry

pengorbanan

I'm not a perfect muslim
i admit that
and please do know that everyday is a journey for me to become a better muslim

but please, don't judge me
i did not judge others
i did not put on high hopes on others
i did not expect people to look up on me
as im no perfect
not at all

but you have no right to judge me
only He can
only He has all the right to do so
only He knows what i feel deep down inside

saya malu
betul2 malu
rasa mcm 'ditelanjangkan' di depan org ramai
saya tahu masih byk perkara yg saya jahil
tp itu bukan caranya
bukan.
bukan.
bukan.

saya faham.

ketumbit!

on medical leave for 2 days
kene ni

 ni gamba mlm sabtu

as for last night, bwh mata tu mmg biru...cam lebam kene tumbuk!

selalu ketumbit ni kene kt bhgn atas mata
but this time, merasa laaa kene kt bwh
fuuuhhhh..sakit gile...
mata pon cam terkenyit2 je...
pipi pn berdenyut2
kepala mule pening because my sight is kinda blurry
nk drive pon x berani

sakit dia, sakit yg mcm lebam kena tumbuk
berdenyut sgt
ceh mcm la pernah rase kene tumbuk kan?!

actually, kene ni since saturday lg
tp konon bole tahan laaa
but last night, bile bgn dr baring, rase cam dunia ni berpusing
so decided nk g klinik
mintak akak hantarkan
sbb ade org tu, bola lagi penting kan
nasib laaaaa...

so g klinik
doc nk korek
i tak bagi
i takuuuuuuuuuuttt
mata kot!

so dpt antibiotik n other meds n 2 days of mc
hrp2 surut la yea



kite ni kalau sakit, mmg la kalau boleh taknak susahkan org
apetah lgi kalau org tu sndiri mmg tak sudi nk amek tau kan
so, be independant fana!
jgn nk mengade mengharap org!
selagi nyawa msih ade, cari alternatif sendiri!
jgn jadi bodoh!
jgn jadi bimbo!~



p/s: lately ni byk case bakal pengantin hilangkan diri kn? korang pernah terfikir tak?
p/p/s: smlm 24....of cos la dia x igt kn....byk lg yg kononnye lbih baik utk diigt....it meant nothing anyway.... '_'

Tough Day

been calling here and there
mailing here and there
for one particular thing

its definitely hard to please everyone
for this case, 3 parties is involved
have to put myself aside
think of others

and now, at the end of the day,
I'm being punished
for reasons that I'm not aware of

being cursed and sh*t-talked to
accepting words by words
swallowing it, though its hard
digesting eveything for that matters
but yeah. I chose this
I.choose.it

can't blame others for it.
no turning back!
don't!


p/s: past midnite, n I'm not asleep yet. I smell t.r.o.u.b.l.e.

I'm no ANGEL

hati ku kotor

:'(

kepala hotak ko!

akan daku ingat sampai bila2
post ini jadi bukti.

sia-sia

semua nya sia-sia
SEMUANYA!

I am so frustrated
langsung tak dihargai

saya tau la saya ni bukan siapa2
takde pangkat, ape lagi harta
itu je yg saya mampu berikan
memang tak seberape, tapi amat bermakna pada saya
tapi malangnye, langsung tak dihargai!
memang sia-sia

terima kasih
saya betol2 kecewa
tak tipu.

tak suka!

benci FB!!!!

x pepasal rase down gile pagi ni

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

bukan salah sesiapa pon
but stillllll, hati ni....
hurmmmm

-.-

Gone too Soon

this morning
at approximately 6.15am
I was quite awake (dh sedar tp malas nk bgn kind of state),
we received a call
the sound of the house phone ringing,
simultaneously with my dad's handphone,
gave me a chill

unfortunately, my cousin
a very close one
one year younger than me
anak tunggal Mak Teh (adik mama)
has passed on (hopefully peacefully)
over an accident

we did not know how it happened
as we can't really talked to Mak Teh yet
all we know, a police called Mak Teh
and told her that her son met with an accident
I supposed it happened early this morning
on his way back from lepak with friends katenye

Muhammad Syakirin Murajan @ Shark @ Yin
akak menyesal tak bawak yin jln2 mase yin turun jb ari tu
kalau tak, sekurang2nye, kita dpt hev fun sama
mesti ktorg layan yin cari baju
walau pon yin sangat la cerewet


Yin
pemergian yin terlalu cepat
akak macam tak percaya yang yin dh takde
tapi akak tau, akak kene redha

akak ingat lagi mase raya haji 2 thn lepas
masa akak amik yin kt stesen larkin
tak pasal2 akak kemekkan kete crv ayah
yin langsung tak marah akak
ayah pon tak marah
tapi akak rasa serba salah sgt
dh la masa tu nk bufday yin
mama siap belanja makan lagi

yin
terima kasih sbb tumpangkan bilik yin masa akak kat kl
terima kasih sbb selalu pinjamkan kenari
terima kasih sbb selalu jenguk akak kt UM dulu
akak masih ingat masa kita gi genting ngan haq, n kak nora
akak masih ingat masa kita tgk muvie KAMI kt jb
akak masih ingat betapa yin suke mkn chocolate cornflakes
akak masih ingat masa yin masih bam-bam, yin ckp ngan akak,
yin nak kurus....sbb yin susah nk dpt girlfriend
skrg yin dh kurus...dh hensem...dh ade otot kental2
tp Allah lagi syg kan Yin
lebih dr kitorng...or any girl


akak redha pemergian Yin
walaupon susah utk akak percaya
akak tau, ni semua takdir Allah
akak mesti redha

akak tak tau macam mane mama and ayah nk go thru lepas ni tanpa yin
tapi akak janji, akak akan jage diorang
akak tak tau, ade hikmah ke yin bagi kitorg simkad yin ?
yin dh tau ke yg yin takkan pakai lagi nombor tu?
akak akan simpan nombor tu sbb tu tarikh lahir yin

yin....akak rindu yin
yin tenanglah kat sana yeaaa
akak taknak type lagi
mata akak dh bengkak sgt niii

lastly, yin kirim kan salam sayang akak
pade tokmak, ayah ngah, papa and adik akak yeaaaa
semoga Allah cucuri rahmat ke atasmu
Al Fatihah

so that it does not rain this evening

Hopefully it does not rain this evening
so that I can run

Hopefully I can run
so that I can get 'it' out of my system

Hopefully I can get 'it' out of my system
so that I can be worn out and tired

Hopefully I will get worn out and tired
so that I can sleep tonight

Hopefully I can sleep tonight
because I don't think I can.

alone

something happened smlm
needed help from someone
and in the end I have to settle with anyone
because that someone is not available
kicewa sungguh.

bile laaaaaaaaaaaa????

Tak Seindah Diharapkan

Harapkan panas hingga ke malam
tetapi Hujan di lewat petang

terusik betul hati ni
tapi takpe
bertahanlah Farhana
semoga esok lebih baik!
Jiayou!!!!!

karenah yang buat I lost my patience

hey you!
dah terang2 its ur damn userID yang charge the injection from the wrong store
dah terang2 u yang buat silap
and i dgn senang hati bagi u jalan penyelesaian

but instead, u went around the hospital,
pointing fingers to others, but not yourself
and tell others how bad the system is

excuse me, IF the system is soooooo teruk,
then why the hell only YOU, i repeat, only YOU face that stooopid problem
why go the hard way, when the solution is very simple
susah sgt ke nk mengaku kesalahan sendiri????
it's not like u r fired, if u admit u r at fault!!!

and damn, you really have a lot of guts by saying
"awak ingat system awak tu bagus sgt ke"
right in front of my face!
that's very brave of you, a HCA, to memperlekeh my job
U have no right to question my credibility!
No right at all!

I have nothing against u before, but from now on,
I am not available to assist u on any matter

damn!
I am now contemplating on reporting this to management

p/s: It is real hard to be responsible of the IT Dept, at this very young age, as many other staffs are much older than you. Bosses told me to be more firm.. but how firm can i be, to gain their R.E.S.P.E.C.T to me? tak nak jadi bos lagi!

It has been 1 freaking week

since that thing happened
of course, I regret it
but I know, well, its more to I should believe,
that all this happened for a reason
a reason that only He knows

and I guess it IS time for me to let go
I must believe that there should be another boat for my ride
as this particular one, I'm leaving it behind
and to Him, I shall turn to
stay with me, please.

hancur hati ku

bile org carwash,
instead of tenangkan ati ngan kete yang kilat,
i siap dpt bonus!




sakit nyeee atiiii!!!!
memula diorg tak nak ngaku
konon nk kate sblm i gi car wash lagi dh mcm tu

abes, kalo dh serpihan kaler grey tu dok tertempek kt badan warna itam,
tu salah i laaaa????
mane ade kalo langgar atau tergarit pape, serpihan tu sampai ke pintu driver
sedangkan yang tergarit part atas tayar belakang?????
ingat aku ni bodooooo????

bile dah tunjuk bukti, baru nk terkial2
ade nak kene lempang gak sekor2
mule la nak dia kate ko, ko kate dia
lantak laaaa

in the end,
baru nak ngaku
katenye, diorang tambah pressure air utk cuci kete
bile dj tambah pressure, diorg terrrrrrspray kt atas tayar
whateverrrr laaaaa

last2, bole tak si kel*ng tu ckp
"takpe la akak...sikiiit saja...macam ini laaa...ini keta cuci, saya kasi free"
kepala hangguk hang cuci free
ingat bende tu stakat 8 hinggit ape???

bende ni tak setel lagi
smlm blk dr kl, trus cari kedai cat kete
tutup le pulak...ahad kannn

so smpai skrg tak tau bajet bape
tak dulik!!!yang penting diorg kene bayo!!!!

no more

often, I forgive, but not forget
occasionally, I forgive and forget

but this time around,
I couldn't, shouldn't and wouldn't forget, let alone forgive.

TQVM

nauzubillah

ape la nak jadi dgn i nih
pemalas lipas betol
emo pon tak menentu
perasaan pon ala2 tak stabil
kejap ok, kjap kang tunggang terblk

susah kan kalo ade byk bende dlm pikiran
tak tau nak setel yg mane satu dulu
i used to be good in prioritizing things
but now, dh mcm org yg tak bole pikir straight
in fact, i lebih depend kepada kata2 org
sgt gullible
otak and akal dh cam takleh function betol2

apehal niiii???
sampai bile nk mood kus kus mcm ni???

badan pon tgh skt2
dh bape kali pesan mama wat appmt ngan cik era
katenye mlm ni dia akan dtg
harap2 jadilaaaa
at least dpt urut bahu n tengkok
kawasan kritikal

esok cuti
nak tido!