i'm sorry

ntah la eh
i rase i ada buat slh
dgn my colleague
bukan la salah ape
maybe, cara i ckp tu, wat dia slh fhm
mcm i marah ke ape

why i felt that way?
sbb skrg i tgk dia dh jarang msg2 or col her other half
i rase macam i punca nya

i pikir punye pikir
i teringat
ade sekali tu, just out of sudden
i ckp kt dia to speed up the enhancement yg dia tgh buat tu
mungkin, MUNGKIN masa tu dia tgh text kot
kot laaaa
and mungkin dia pikir i mrh dia text ke ape
hurmmmmm
padahal i baru dpt "ceramah" dr org atas
ade few things yg i dh delay kn
so i need her to speed up yg itu, and move on to next task
pening la kpale i nak handle semua kan
and i am not saying she didn't do her job or whatsoever it is
infact, she's good at it...competent i must say
and i senang keje dgn dia

tapi since i ckp tu,
i dapat rase, dia mcm lain dgn i
i dunno laaa
i can see that she's faking everything
the smile, the jokes and even the chit chat

i nak keadaan yang dulu
if only i can turn back the time.....
i hate this feeling laaaaa

to you...
I'm sorry k kalo fana wat u fikir camtu
its just hard to be in my shoes
and trust me, I'm hanging on, just for you
haih....

State of mind

perhaps tomorrow will be better
PERHAPS . Perhaps . perhaps

I cried.

terharu sgt2




Ya Allah Ya TuhanKu
Berilah aku peluang untuk merasai nikmat-Mu yang satu ini
hanya kepada-Mu aku memohon dan berserah
Amin

People love to judge based on their thought only!!

im thinking..

sometimes its soooo hard to pleased everyone n fullfilled their expectation..

for example:

roles as a daughter - arini ibuku g kursus kat bukit tinggi, so harusla nak kene duk umah kemas umah, masak and etc...tp i tak leh nak wat everything coz there is some other things nak kene wat gak at the same times.. so sempat wat certain things je..i'll try my best..

roles as a sister - nasihat ibuku arini, sila la melawat fatin tuh yg jarak sekangkang katak ja..haa yg nie leh fullfilled..sbb dah otw lalu sane kan..harusla menyinggah melawat..alih2 adikku plak yg bz..hangout dgn kawan dia..iskh2..sabar jela..

roles as rakan sekerja - sgt menggunakan mase free di opis utk bergosip..ehehehhe..pg2 lepak kat pantry..dah la pg2 je abg jai dah menyakat..sabar jela..

roles as besh fren kepada mizot - yo mizot...ko nie asek berkursus je..aku bz, ko pun lg bz..sejak jd PTD nie ey..bz menyungguh..hehehehe..tp takpe, i understand..tugas kan...

roles as friends - haaa nie pun i tak paham nie..susah gak nak fullfilled sume org nyer kehendak..ajak dia hangout, kate bz..bile dia ajak kite hangout, kite plak tak free, pastu marah2 kate lupe kawan laa, ape la..iskh2..so moral of the story, bile ade org ajak i hangout, seboleh2 i free kan mase, so bile kite ajak dia hangout, sila la free kan mase anda juge..(mizot ko tak terkecuali..eheheheh)

roles as gf - nie tak payah ckp la..i kan wat part time gak..so dah tentu slalo jupe en.sim nie..so cam most of the time kdg2 lepak dgn biz partners shj..juz bile weeken je ade mase nak dating..pastu nampak sya n pai di garden signature..hahahahahaha

summary:

i'll try my besh nak fullfilled sume org nyer permintaan..tp i pun manusia biase..not only applied to my frens but also to my family..penah skali tuh almost 3days i tak berkesempatan nak berborak dgn my parents..(sbb ibuku tido awal wooo..kol 9 dia dah ngantok..sok pg, dia dah kua dulu g keje..camne nak jupe??hehehe..)

sometimes its hard to understand sume org sbb diorg pun bukan nak paham kiter pun..so for those people yg faced same situation or ala2 de relate dgn ape yg i rase (aiceh..cam luahan hati ke hati plak..ahhaha), for me, hidup mesti diteruskan..jgn biarkan pencuri2 impian anda mencuri impian anda utk bergerak kehadapan..yes its true money is not important..tp cube pk kan kalo anda bekerja skrg nie tp hujung bulan gaji takdak..konpem u'all tak nak keje dah kan..so jgn hanya kejarkan duit tp kejarkan ape2 yg leh membahagiakan anda in future..(pergh..tetibe jd sedey plak...iskh2..)..apsal tetibe emo plak pg2 jumaat yg indah nie??hehehe

p/s: cant wait for my besday present!!!(hint2 utk kema a.k.a wani, dayah, fana, sya n mizot..sila bg hadiah..ehheheh)

those little things that makes you stop, and think!

yang ad enfa A+ (susu baby) tuu
yang her son called her while she was in a meeting
at first she felt disturbed
but once hearing the few notes of the Birthday song
played by his 4/5 years old son on a piano at home
dia rase terharuu sesgt

i feel her
that's all i can say

i try cari yg version malaysia punye
tak jumpe ahhh
yg ade siam punye
tp same jekkk



iklan tu sgt memberi impact to me
sampai nk tido pon terigt2
siap termimpi baby lagi

why am i making such a big fuss on this?
entahlaaaa
somehow, sometimes, i takut sgt i x dapat lalui that experience
u know, get married, enjoying marriage life,
have baby(s), brought them up
that sort of thing
i really love babies
geram sgt tgk pipi2 yg londeh2 tu

selalu kalo shopping ke ape
kalo nampak baby or toddlers
kompem i rase cam nk gigit jek
rase syg sgt kt diorg
siap bole stop, main2 jap ngan baby tah sesape
and lagi best kalo baby tu bg respon yg memberangsangkan
siap senyum2 or terkekek2 ketawe
i rase mcm best gile kalo baby tu suke kt kite
itu baru perasaan org luar
blom lg perasaan org yg melahirkannye kan?

oh. i really want to experience those feelings

Aku mohon padamu Ya Allah
Lengkapi lah perjalanan hidupku dengan keindahan itu
Amin.

Dear Mama

there are no words to describe
how grateful I am
to have you
raising me, guiding me,
most of all, stand beside me
throughout these years

and today, as your age adds another figure
I am so proud
that u still keep it going
though the going gets tough

together, we berdoa for the best
for you n for us

I love you to bits

Salam UlangTahun Mama

You ever dearest baby,

Think-Cry-Think-Cry

fasting today
otomatik rase lembik jeeee
bole???

haih
satu mlm i can hardly sleep
kol 10 i dh naik katil
mate ngantuk, badan letih
tp fikiran ni asek la menerawang jauh
fikir sikit, takut, nangis
pastu cube fikir positif, benti nangis
fikir lagi, takut lagi, nangis lagi
fikir positif, benti.
fikir lagi, takut lagi, nangis lagi
fikir positif, benti.
and the cycle goes on and on throughout the night(at least dr 10 - 12 am)

i did text myPerson
biase laaa...haruslah nk ngadu2, mintak perhatian kn
walaupon dh tau org tu sibuk ngan tournament futsal smpai kol 12
tp watdehek la...text jeeee...nnt dia abes main, dia bace laaa

and him, being a very supportive and the ultimate understanding other half,
called me right away once he hit the sack
mase tu dh kol 1230 x silap
dh siap2 mandi laaa

dgr suare dia je, terus nanges ok
gile drama queen aku nih
ntah bape puloh kali laa i nangis smlm
mate ni mmg dh mengalahkn org cina

it was so nice of him
bg kate2 peransang, and try to manipulate all my negative thought into +ve ones
and saye adelah terpengaruh. very vulnerable i am.
he also did try to get me stop thinking of the workloads
by discussing on our plans. the future plans
he managed to put me into sleep thereafter
by then, its already freaking 2 in the morng if im not mistaken

dh la kol 4.30, i bangun utk masakkan lauk sahur
masak simple jek
by 5, everything is done, kejut yg lain mkn
pas mkn, i terus naik katil
hoping i could catch more beauty sleep
(macam mane la ko tak gomok cik fana oiiiii...)

xde maknenyeee ok...
kpale otak ni masih gak nk bekerja, kerja, kerja
n mata ni dok nak nanges, nanges, nanges
by then dah ntah brape byk baldi airmate tumpah
haih

and now, I'm in office
alone
forcing myself to get in all the +ve vibes

no laaa
it was more on - forcing myself NOT TO CRY!




p/s: so much of the 'big girls don't cry' huh??? I guess Im not that BIG after all... right? No? ;P

the one with mixed emotions

she resigned
without me, her assistance, knowing it
i'm pissed. i'm confused

i baru je nk merangkak
tetibe in 1 month time, i mesti pecut selaju2nye
sadly, i didnt even have confidence in myself, even to jog at least
I am only confident with brisk walking
not 100m sprint
how am i suppose to sprint if i didnt even fit the criteria?
i didnt even have the proper shoes!

I'm a total wreck now
I didn't even know how to react to the news
such a naive, I am


p/s: pada sape yg x paham or blur2, I'm sorry. blom terase nk make it crystal clear lagi.

I'm Done

Thank your for not letting go
When I said "let me go"
Thank your for timing
Thank you for fighting
Thank you for not believe in me
Baby when I said

I don't wanna fall in love
Just wanna have a little fun
Then you came and swift me up
And now I'm done
So done


Falling madly deeply
I surprised myself enough to find
That what's begun this love
And now I'm done, so done
I'm done


p/s: counting days. *wink*

so much of a whole brand NEW year

my new year
SUCKS BIG TIME
what a bad bad bad start

demnnnn

I'm now a total LOSER. Damn.

1. baru tgk Anak Halal kt Kirana last weekend...saye baru sedar Maya Karin adelah sangat CANTIK. gile kampung saye ni...girl adelah sangat adore Maya. And I was like, hurmmm...biase jek...org mix kn...but last weekend, in that movie, hands down. SANGAT SWEET & GORJES. (am I a lesbo???tetttttttttt)


2. being single and ready to mingle wasn't that bad after all...until, when u're about to tuck urself in bed, n got no one to luahkan all the moans n groans u had the whole day.
   


3. and that (refer to [2]) also made me realise saye adelah sgt LOSER krn tidak mempunyai ramai kawan disini. totally LOSER ok!


4. saye baru melanggar azam untuk tidak membeli baju on-line gara2 bos saye yg telah memperkenalkan satu website yg menjual baju dari Jepun ke Korea ke HongKong, (I pon taktau dari mane exactly). beliau telah berjaya menggoda saya. there goes my moolah!


5. Semalam tgk Miss World 2008 kt Chenel 5. was held at Johannesburg. sgt suke name tempat tu sampai termimpi2 ltak name anak Nur Johannes (abaikan je "burg" tu sbb tak cukup cool utk name anak aku)
   
   
6. develop new hobby. merenung bontot budak berumur kurang dari 5 tahun di kolam renang sambil menggigit bibir...terutama sekali yg gemok2...rase mcm nk gigit buttcheeks itu...again, saye sgt tiada life kn? gile LOSER! pic dari sini


7. merasekan diri sangat tidak berguna kerana tak dapat berbelanja sakan mase Christmas Sale. tu la..sape suruh tak berjimat di waktu dahulu kala!!macam mane nk bergaya mase annual dinner nnti???


8. baru sedar yg diri sendiri tidak memiliki tahap kesabaran yang maha tinggi. sile improve diri anda.go figure

oh tidak

yesterday, the APAR module is up. Live
baru ingat nk berhoo-haa for at least a week,
tetibe td GM dh bg another project

Endoscopy Booking

currently docs and HCA book the procedure manually
means takde ape/sesape yg control
say boleh or tak boleh book
kalo redundant pon, xde sape yg perasan
when the time comes for the docs to perform the procedure
baru la seribu satu macam masalah terserlah
and of coz memasing dok menuding jari ke arah yg berlainan

thats it guys.
pasni, sile ikut peraturan
which is first come first served basis
when i mean come, it meant book!
sile buat reservation
jgn korg nk bergado kt endoscopy room tu kang

so now, i kene study OT booking module
and try to incorporate the same manner to my new assignment
rasenye tak sesusah/complicated APAR
but still, kalo wat keje yg memerlukan kerjasama docs, things may get messy
akan ade byk percanggahan pendapat

most docs here, i must say, quite berumur, veteran la kirenye
and takde sorg pon melayu
so utk bwk diorg dr tulis tangan ke menaip di papan kekunci adelah agak sukar
they always have doubts on technology
especially bile berhubung kait dgn charges
they are afraid, technology akan mengeksploitasi their credibility
taktau lah kenape
tp, tak sume docs begitu
just a few
n those yg a few tu lah yg susah utk dicontrol

tambahan pulak bile diorg dpt tau
yg akan buat module ni adelah seorg yg masih 'budak baru'
walau dia dh keje 2 years +
lagi teruk, dia adelah melayu!
damn. ape org melayu tak terer ke???????
terer laaaaaaa...

i really hate org yg memandang rendah terhadap org lain
i tau, ramai org kt hospital ni igt i ni stakat mcm budak HCA (healthcare asstn) lain
yg takat abes SPM, xtau nk wat pe, cari keje kt cni
all those short minded perception terjadi adelah kerane saye org melayu!bodo!
tau la i ni selekeh, x cantik,
x pakai makeup tebal seinci, x pakai heels 6 inci
but still, u have no rights to underestimate my credibility

note: dont judge a person by their appearance. Go Get an X-Ray!

wish me luck

its over

sad.yes it is
relief? I'm not sure
huge pile of burden is released
but still, the backache, seems like unbearable

When it's over
That's the time I fall in love again

When it's over
That's the time when your in my heart again

And when you go go go go I know
It never ends it never ends.

All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window

All the things that she used to bring
All the songs that she used to sing
All the favorite Tv shows have gone out the window

I'm wishing you
I never knew how much you loved me
I'm missing you
I never knew how much you meant to me
I need you

And when you go go go go I know
It never ends it never ends.

All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window

All the things that she used to bring
All the songs that she used to sing
All the favorite Tv shows have gone out the window

I'm wishing you
You never said that you were pretending
I'm wishing you
You feel the same and just come back to me
I need you

And when you go go go go I know
It never ends it never ends.

When it's over can I still come over?
When it's over is it really over?

When it's over that's the time that I fall in love again

Sugar Ray - When Its Over

will there be a glimpse of light tomorrow?

its simply amazing how a blog could change someone's life
not completely change it
but change the perspective on how they see things

for example, when u feel ur life is such a terrible mess,
and when u read other's life journal,
u'll realize how thankful u should be
there are many others who suffers more than u did

but that's not my main point here


i bloghopped this morning
this blogger is a fren of a fren whom i am very close with for 3 years
but since i started off with a career here in JB
i somehow lost the connection with most of my friends
as most of 'em settled down in KL
but I, I chose to come back to my hometown here in JB
which now, part of me felt, i regret

cos or else,
I should've known she's leaving
I should've see her before she left
I should've at least ask how she was doing
I should've tell her how much I loved n missed her

how i wish I'm in Kl
so that
there wouldnt be many events that i missed
there wouldnt be many friends i lost contact with
there wouldnt be much updates that i'm being left out on
there wouldnt be many people i let down

to all, .
for all the events I've missed
for all the long-time-no-hear
for all the things left unsaid
for all the news I'm unaware of
for all the unattended issues
for all the relationship that's at stake

from the deepest of my heart,
I am terribly sorry
there shouldn't be any excuses
but I am just a human, a person who makes mistake
and that, I must say, it makes me a person
an ordinary person

no mood

lamenye i tak update
ntahla
xde mood
pdhal byk yg nk di updatekn
tp, idk
no mood

ntah bape kali i dok ckp xde mood
nntla
ptg ni, i update

jap g 9.30 i ade presentation
on APAR module
hopefully they're statisfied with the outcome
malas nk pegang module ni lama2
hope my system doesnt fail me.
or i yg fail kn sytem tu????hope not!

rimas dalam sepi

last thurs night
tgh mlm, dlm kol 2
i ingat umah blackout
panas gile n of cos, senyap sunyi gile

i ni jenis xbole kalo dok dlm bilik yg senyap sunyi
i mean yg mmg xde satu bunyi pon
rase mcm nk lemas
kalo bole, i nak at least dgr bunyi kipas or the aircond
walau sejuk mane pon, i need those sound
mmg dr kecik lg i mcm tu (mama yg ckp)
seriously, i dont really mind the heat
but the 'emptiness' n the 'terlalu senyap' atmosphere is killing me!

so i tersedar dr tido
i mule terpikir, mane leh tahan blackout cmni lame2
esok cmne nk gosok baju

from my bed, i boleh nmpak umah blakang thru d window
lampu diorg menyale. pakai gen set ke diorg nih?
so i walked out of my room to check umah depan lak
x sempat nk g depan, i nampak the astro decoder menyale
eh. x blackout la

so i masuk bilik balik, cek lampu
menyale. girl pon pelik.panas tapi lampu menyale
kipas rosak!!!!!
wakh.dh la mase tu dh berpeluh gile
of cos la bukak aircond, n terus tido blk dgn lenanye

kipas yg kene 'warded'

d next day (friday) anta kipas g kedai utk repair
asoh ckp, xleh siap until the day after tomorrow
adeih...cmne nk tido mlm nnt
weols ni, i mean girl mane bole thn sgt d whole nite with aircond

mlm tu, girl had a brilliant idea
dia ajak i tido kt hall
wah..cam best jek i rase


kol 10, terus tarik tilam
semangat gile
tido kt hall ni makes u feel like u tido umah org
ye la...xpernah2 weols tido kt hall sendiri siap bentang tilam bagai
seronok jek rase

kakak kate dia teringat mase weols kecik2
dulu kalo ade sesape dmm, semua kene tido kt hall
good ol' days

alahai...anak sape la yg 'comel' sangat niiiii..huhu

Note: I was contemplating nk letak pic last tu ke tak...wut the heck la kn...pnat i mengaler...harusla tunjuk bakat kn...muahahahaha

down the drain

I'm sad
I'm down
I'm upset
I'm pissed
I'm busted
I'm screwed
I'm troubled
I'm choked
I'm crumpled

.hands down.
I'm dead
shot dead

I regret it.totally.

So Schweet

Last Week, I got this

such a nice packaging
with sweet 'caption' on the box


inside, filled with this cute small packets


with different message on each color

1st - red
"You're a cutie"


2nd - maroon
"I miss you"


3rd - pink
"I love you"


last but not least, which captured my heart the most - grey
"Will you be mine?"


in those small packets,
chocolate yg sangat sedap...
YUMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY


.I'm always his chocolate.

Emo Lebey

ugh.i dun know.
is it me or long distance relationship mmg sgt mencabar jiwa, raga dan minda ???

its been 2 weeks, since we last saw each other
we keep on having fights eversince then
on and off fights
munkin i emo terlebih suda (gaya stacy)

bukannye weols tinggal bejauhan gile ke ape
our homes are only merely 30-40 minutes drive away
but still, selame ni we only see each other once a week
mostly on weekends laa
kekadang tu ade la jugak smpai 3-4 kali kalo dh mengade sgt

tp sjak minyak nek harge ni,
once a week je laa
kire date kaw2 punye la
i mean, shopping + movieee + dinner laaa
all in 1 day

but since last weekend i pegi melaka,
this weekend pulak he has futsal thing in shah alam,
means, dh over 2 weeks i xjumpe dia
infact dh 3 weeks ok!
dan sepanjang mase ni, since i kt melaka, we r so messed up
asek gado jek
n of cos la most of it, im the one who alwez started the fight (ye, my middle name is complicated)
in the end, we kept on hurting each other,
eventhou we both know deep down inside, we didnt even mean it

i merajuk macam mane pun, die bolayan jek
sbb kononnye die pn tgh merajuk
mane bole. merajuk is my THING.
go figure ur own way to express ur hurt ok!
me = merajuk
so pujuk me when i tgh merajuk.

i miss him. miss smpai emo lebey.
i hate myself for having such emo breakdown
cam bangangs jek nk emo sesorg nih
tp org tu x layan

adoiyai.