Tuesday, December 27, 2011


I wish I can be numb

numb to all negative reactions
numb from getting hurt
numb to any rejections
numb from being misjudged
numb to all the pain in the world
numb from getting heart-broken
numb to all hurtful words

at the end of the day
I'm just human
with feelings
and tears that came along

I may appeared numb to you
but deep in me,
I'm falling apart
into pieces

as I forced myself to be numb,
those pieces became even more little pieces

I'm afraid,
comes one day
there are no little pieces left to be shredded
and when it happens,
there' nothing left,
except to bid, Goodbye.

p/s: calar di lengan, orang tahu, calar di hati....simpan sendiri.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Of 2 months

dh lambat
dh nk masuk 3 months pon
tp bende ni mmg dh lama dlm draft
cume ntah nape, x siap²


dear my child, Nurin Balqis Mohd Afiq,
as u turned 2 months,

  • u sleep better on ur tummy. Initially we planned to let u sleep on ur tummy only during ur day naps, n on ur back at night. However u tends to get startled very easily while u sleep on ur back. to swaddle u up is not even a choice, as u'll get mad once we tied u up.

    • u can turn ur head to left and right while sleeping. sometimes, u even kept on turning ur head left n right several times when we put u down to sleep, before u eventually find a (nice) spot to land ur chubby cheek on. and mama find this particular habit of urs, very cute!
    • u went bald at 1m7d. we kept procrastinating on this particular thing as we're all afraid that it'll hurt u. and mama worried that u'll look 'weird' with a bald head. but boy, i was wrong! u looked even much cuter aftermath!
    • before
    • u started to coo!!! Allah knows how long I've been waiting for this moment to arrive. it may not even sound like any words that we could find in the dictionary, but it sure landed on the soft spot in mama's heart. However, u did not coo too many times. just when u felt to do so. and I'm honoured to be the first to witnessed it
    • u can now bare ur weight with ur two strong legs, each time we held u upright. Sometimes u get furious when we put u down, and calmed when we let u stand (with us holding u upright)
    • u've been loving ur bathing time since u were born, darling. u kicked and slapped ur cute little arms profusely while in the tub filled with lukewarm water. btw, u hate tap water! u'll scream on top of ur lungs when i tried to bath u with normal temp water.
    • u now love being clothes-less. everytime before bath time, I let u get loose with only ur diaper on. u no more cried each time we undress/dressed u up.

    • u can now coordinate sound. u'll turn to the direction where the sound came from. we love to entertain u with the sound of the rattle. however, after 2 minutes, it seems like we're entertaining ourselves as u already got bored by then.
    • ur sight is still pretty much blurry. we never got tired of testing ur sight everyday by moving certain object in front of u. u usually just stared blankly to whatever u're looking at. i guess at this stage, u react more to sounds.
    • u have this particular (cute) reaction everytime u pooped! u'll 'kembangkan' ur nose and grin (with lips shut together) on each attempt of pushing out ur stool. those reactions are certainly too cute that I never failed to laugh. and dear, once u're done, u'll be 'tersandar kelegaan'...hihihi
    • ur 'meneran' face! lol!!!!
    • ur daily activities and nap scheduled vary from day to day. and yeah baby, u still wakes up 2 hourly at night for milk and sometimes to poop.
    • unfortunately, u have colic on some days...about twice a week. and when u had one, u cried like nobody's business till u went all red and it hurts me so to see u suffer. sometimes u totally refuse milk, while most of the time, u kept on sucking each time I try to feed u. til u got overdose. and u vomitted it out. there was one time, it was too much, that it even cam out of ur nostril. pity baby. I found out that the yuyi ointment is not good enough for u. Minyak Herba NR works better.

    • I'm sorry dear, but as for now, u're still pretty much relying on FM...u'd love to df from mama, but sometimes, the pain is way beyond my threshold that I gave up (I'm sorry). If there are ebm in the fridge, we'll feed u with those. or else, FM it is. :(
    our first ever NIP (Nursing in Public) at KK

      I'm glad u could accept the bottle
    • u love going out! ur debut was to JJ Tebrau when u were 1m17d. though u are pretty much sleepy, u kept holding on with eyes wide open. I guess u r so curious on where u r at as it sounds so different.

    • and just for the record, as u hit 2 months 5 days u weighed 5kg (u've doubled up ur initial weight!) and u're such a cute, strong, and Alhamdulillah, healthy baby.
    • when u were 1 month - 3.75kg
      2 months! - 5kg

    • u cried for 5 seconds when u got ur 2nd months jab. strong baby!
    • consoled by abah before ur 2nd months jab

    Monday, December 19, 2011

    Monday Morning Motherhood Mishaps

    what a jerky start I had for this week

    it was raining this morning
    i find myself kept on snoozing the alarm which rang at 5.45 am
    while 'tidur2 ayam', i contemplate whether i should wake up early to express milk
    or just sleep in till 6.30 and just forget about pumping
    and I decided on the later

    so as I woke up, it was already 6.40
    I jumped off bed, thinking "shait! my boobs are full and we're heck late!"
    quickly I had my shower,
    woke dear hubs up
    and kept on reminding him to have a quick shower
    as I prep up myself, Nurin's stuff, and my breastpump

    by 7.05am, we're out
    it was drizzling
    dear Nurin was not in her best morning mood unlike other days
    she was restless

    luckily hubs carpooled with us
    so I could calm her while hubs drove
    and that was when I realized,
    I did not packed Nurin's ebm stock!!!

    all I brought was the 3oz that I thawed
    and filled in her TT bottle
    the rest, still in the freaking fridge!
    to survive the whole day with just 3oz of milk???
    heck no!

    reached mak's place around 7.15
    unload her stuff and pass her to mak
    and told mak that I forget to bring along her milk supply
    so she should just use the FM that we already prepared for her incase of lack of supply
    with that, I drove off the driveway

    I felt guilty all the way
    as I drove, I saw the highway is jam as usual
    and I'm thinking, "What the heck! I'll be late anyway!"

    make a u-turn, went back to our place
    quickly parked the car, get to the lift, enter our home,
    grab the 4 bottles of ebm in the fridge
    safely keep it in JJ Weekenders cooler tote
    locked the door and grill, went down the lift
    and off I went back to the car
    all in 5 minutes

    drove back to mak's
    she was surprised to see me
    transfered all the ebm into her fridge
    give a huge kiss to the little one, and whisper 'sorry' to her ear,
    and off to workplace

    it was 8.28 when I scanned in
    NVM, I can always replace the lost hour to OT on any of the days
    but I should never thought of taking the easy way out,
    by giving my dear daughter FM
    when I still have enough supply for her
    (read: It would be a different story if I dont have any stock of ebm)

    Yeap. I felt guilty for even having those thoughts
    I even slapped myself (twice) as a punishment (yeap. to that extend.)
    but I'm glad and relieved that reality hits me at the right time

    to exclusively bf ur child is definitely not easy
    only mommies who experienced it would understand
    I, myself, still struggle to exclusively bf my child
    I'm still suffering with tormenting sharp pain on the nipple after a few feed session
    but the priceless bonding moment that I get each time she needs me (read: milk),
    defeats all excruciating pain that I have to endure
    knowing that only me, her mother, can experience that moment, is definitely beyond words

    unfortunately, while to others,
    "why go through so much hassle and pain? there's always the FM!"
    again, only we, understand.

    Sunday, December 11, 2011

    Our E-Invite by WeddingKami